The Diagnosis
What if the diagnosis that rocked your world was MEANT to change your life - for the better?
I knew the answer before the bald-headed near-stranger lighting up my computer screen even voiced the words. I’d recognized the signs for years - impulsive behavior followed by quick remorse and a direct hit to her self-esteem. I’d seen the symptoms meal after meal as my child struggled to sit still like her body contained something uncomfortable she couldn’t release. And the blank stare like she was lost somewhere I might never be able to find her, still haunts me.
Trained in the medical profession, but out of the mental health loop, I knew enough to make me suspicious, but not effective. So there I sat, laptop propped on the exam table I’d taken over in between my own set of patients, as I waited for the polite stranger to say the words that would confirm my suspicion and change my life.
“Lillian has ADHD.”
As is most often the case when you receive a new diagnosis, my emotions were mixed. There was a relief to finally have an answer to go with the concerns and the unexplained symptoms but any relief is short-lived when weighed down by the heavy, overwhelming unknown of the future.
I know what you might be thinking, ADHD isn’t so bad. There are treatments and medication. And though you are correct, I would dare to tell you that ADHD affects every aspect of our family life. There are constant emails from the teacher about behavior concerns. The lingering looks from other same-aged kids toward your extroverted, impulsive, but genuinely kind child. ADHD means constant reminders and repetition of rules and explanations to others about why your child seems to be run by a motor while similarly aged children can sit still and listen. Though I could go on for days about ADHD (and maybe I will someday), Lillian is not the first diagnosis my family and I have faced over the years. Our family, like many of yours, has faced temporary, permanent, life-altering, and life-taking diagnoses. In my years in medicine, whether I’m the one on the giving or the receiving end of the news, I’ve realized, every diagnosis comes with a lesson to be learned.
How can a diagnosis, especially one that’s chronic, difficult, or terminal become something hopeful?
Here are just a few examples…
Find your “true crew.”
Whether you’re the few-but-close or thrive-on-many friends kind of person, everyone has at least one person they can call a “friend.” But a diagnosis, especially life-threatening or life-altering, can help you determine who your truest friends are.
When my mom was diagnosed with ALS, a truly devastating disease, she spent over two years at home, confined to a hospital bed for most of that time. Though on a ventilator, she was still able to talk and communicate. Many of the friends she’d had for years, friends for whom my mom had fixed meals, cleaned houses, and cared for when they were ill, stopped showing up. Maybe it was too hard for them or perhaps they didn’t want to see her that way. But whatever it was, they stopped coming over.
Except for three of them.
Those three friends pulled up in her driveway two days a week for over two years with sewing machines in tow, and set up a sewing room, every week, in my mom’s living room. They stitched and chatted over coffee and scones my mother insisted her home health nurse make for her guests. And in return, their act of love was a light for their friend, in a very dark time.
Have you or a family member been diagnosed with something recently? Look at the friends who are always checking in, bringing the meals, stopping by with flowers or hugs. Maybe, your diagnosis can serve as a reminder of how loved you really are.
2. Foster forgiveness
You might be hard-pressed to find something more likely to foster forgiveness than the threat of losing your life.
My mom and her brother hadn’t spoken for years, a misunderstanding long-held after the death of their parents. Birthdays, weddings, and funerals passed without so much as a hello or phone call. When my mom was diagnosed with ALS, the thought of dying without mending their relationship was too much for her to take. After years of not speaking, she called up her brother. One phone call turned into two and before she knew it, their family was joining us sporadically to sit around Mom’s hospital bed and joke about the old days. As love and forgiveness would have it, her brother was among those present the day she passed away.
If you’ve just been given a diagnosis that rocked your world, search your heart. Is there someone you need to forgive? Maybe you won’t reconcile as my mom and uncle did, maybe yours will be more of a personal forgiveness. Maybe forgiveness is exactly what was meant to be.
3. A chance to change
I remember the day my little Sophia was born like it was yesterday (a story you can read about in my book "This Changes Everything.” I’d known from the early moments of pregnancy something wasn’t quite right, and my suspicions were confirmed moments after her birth.
When labored breathing took her from the warmth of my chest to the nursery for a battery of tests, within hours I would learn she had a lung condition that would require a ventilator and surgery to remove a diseased portion of her lung. With her life hanging in the balance, I was forced to rely on FAITH, FAMILY, and FRIENDSHIPS to survive.
Though Sophia survived her surgery to be a living, thriving child, her condition comes with a host of appointments and new rounds of diagnoses. We’ve seen multiple specialists in multiple cities, rearranged our lives for countless visits, and fought insurance companies to get her the care she deserves. And let me tell you, friend, IT’S BEEN HARD.
But through it all, God has changed me. When her sensory processing disorder makes her cry for hours and throw every piece of “too-itchy,” or “doesn’t-feel-right,” clothing on the floor, God changes me. Though the old habits of anger and overwhelm break through on occasion, most days I look past her actions into the dimple-dented, apple cheeks and remember that she’s mine and she needs me. She needs ME to soothe all the rough edges and take away the irritations. She needs ME to calm the disconnect within her little body, just like I need GOD.
And He’s changed me.
I dare to bet, He’s changing you too.
Are you facing a diagnosis that seems overwhelming? Are the appointments many and the breaks few? Does one step forward feel like two steps back?
LOOK AROUND. Do you have friends showing up at your door or calling to check-in? Are you meant to forgive, or be forgiven?
Or maybe that diagnosis you’re living with, or watching a loved one go through, isn’t meant to break you. Maybe it’s meant to transform you.
No matter where you are in your journey, we are in this together.
Sonya Joy
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